An Unusual Report

(This was written in the 1980s when I wondered how humans might look to other species.)

Safety Issues with Killer Squealers

This report by the International Safety Council has been prepared for the purpose of summarizing the current level of knowledge about killer squealers in order to make safety recommendations to the community regarding contact with them. While squealers, so named for their characteristic cry of greeting, are known killers, having murdered hundreds of thousands of us over the years, recent reports that some of them may be approached safely have raised questions in the community as to how best to behave towards them.

Scientific knowledge about killer squealers is based on the reports of the few individuals who have wandered far into their territories and lived to tell about it, as well as on systematic observations of their summer herding behavior. During warm weather, millions of killer squealers herd together at the edge of the sea. It is quite a fantastic sight: there are so many of the nearly identical creatures that they turn the beaches pink with their bodies.

Killer squealers are small mammals with a small head and four long appendages. Two appendages are used for locomotion, while the other two are used for manipulating objects and for contact with others of their species. Many of them are covered with a smooth, pale skin, while many others are brown or almost black. Most killer squealers have a bit of varicolored fur of various lengths on their heads, which seems to have signalling and mating purposes.

Like us, killer squealers usually travel in friendship/kinship groups composed of two to six or more adults and several young. When they greet each other or when they first see us, they make their characteristic loud squealing sound. They also make quiet, short, repetitive sounds almost constantly. They emit these sounds through their small, flexible mouths, which are in almost constant motion. It is believed that these sounds have signaling and communicative purposes, probably of use in bonding.

The killer squealer has limited swimming ability, virtually no sense of smell, and a limited sense of hearing. It apparently has an acute sense of vision. In spite of their nearly identical appearance, killer squealer mothers easily recognize their own young among the herd. It is hypothesized that killer squealers are able to distinguish subtle variations in the physical appearance of their own kind, so that the mothers learn to recognize their young by sight.

Killer squealers seem to be very attached to their own young. If a baby killer squealer becomes separated from its mother at the seaside, she will run frantically up and down the beach squealing loudly until she is exhausted. If she does not find her baby within a short period of time, her screams become louder and more piercing and water pours from her eyes. A curious observation is that when the mother is reunited with her baby, some mothers hold the baby in their appendages and pour more water from their eyes, while other mothers scream and strike their young. In spite of their apparent strong attachment to their young, killer squealer parents strike their young for no apparent reason quite frequently, and some experts believe that this behavior helps the young develop their aggression and killer instincts.

Recent reports from the Northernmost Sea, the Middle Coast, and the Southern Gulf suggest that a subspecies of nonviolent killer squealers may have evolved. It was reported two years ago that killer squealers rescued three adolescents who had been trapped in winter ice in the Northernmost Sea, where squealers have murdered us for centuries. It is well known that during certain months along the Middle Coast, hundreds of squealers crowd daily into sea vehicles in order to observe us go by, and they do so without killing anyone, although they are a nuisance. Likewise, in the Southern Gulf, some squealers enter small sea vehicles in order to closely observe us with our babies, rarely causing any harm. Some mothers even allow their babies to play with the squealers while they take a nap.

Nevertheless, because of their long history of extreme violence towards us and because of their continued violence toward their own young, which is likely to heighten their murderous tendencies, the International Safety Council has concluded that killer squealers remain highly dangerous, despite recent reports that some are not. It is recommended that extreme caution be exercised at all times, even along the Middle Coast and in the Southern Gulf. The Council recommends that all killer squealers be avoided.

Translated by Prof. Zenar-2-4 Bondad, noted Grayback linguist