"The Empath"

Empathy Revisited

(A short story based on Star Trek: The Next Generation)

by Judy Todd

(Majority written 1999 -- the ending “letter” written in 2011)

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41986.1    Empath.  Dr. Crusher has ordered me to spend 20 minutes each day period making an entry into a daily log.  [20 minutes of silence.]  Computer, end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41986.3    Empath.  [20 minutes of silence.]  Computer, end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41986.5    Empath.   [20 minutes of silence.]  Computer, end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41987.1    Empath.  Dr. Crusher said silence would not do for a log.  I must say something.  Something, something [“something” for 20 minutes.]  Computer, end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41987.3    Empath.   Something, something [“something” for 20 minutes.]  Computer, end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41988.2  Empath.  Dr. Crusher was frustrated, annoyed, sad, and puzzled with me.  I could hardly hear what she was trying to tell me because I felt so frustrated, angry, and sad.  She said I had to speak for a log, tell something that happened.  I said I could not think of anything to say without some feelings to direct me.   I cannot have feelings unless I am with someone who is experiencing some. But I have to make log entries alone in my  room.  She ordered me to describe everything that had happened to me since I first met her.  I can remember and report. 

It felt like I had been asleep a long time.  I became aware.  I became aware of being aware.  I opened my eyes.  I could not see well.  I looked down at myself and saw I was lying flat on my back. I was clothed in a white dress. The cloth was thick and soft and warm. It felt fuzzy on my skin. There were brown coverings on my feet. They were not soft. They felt tight and itchy on my feet. It appeared that I was lying in some sort of container.  The container had hard sides. They were cold and appeared to be made of metal. The top of the container was open. I could see a darkness.  I could hear breathing. The breath went in. The breath went out. The breath went in. The breath went out. I lifted my head and saw a humanoid shape.  [Rest of entry deleted.]  

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41988.4.  Empath.  I ended up spending eight hours on yesterday’s log entry, but I had to delete most of it after Dr. Crusher reviewed it.  Again, I had to strain to listen to her over our feelings of amused aggravation.  She said I did not have to report every detail.  She ordered me to cover only the “main events.”  I will try again.

I was lying in a container when I first met Dr. Crusher two months ago.  I opened my eyes and saw her face above me, her red hair hanging down, and I felt her warmth and caring.  She told me not to be afraid, but of course I was not.  I was loving and concerned.  She explained that I had been in protective stasis for a long time, that a Dr. McCoy had placed me there in order to save me, and that she, Dr. Crusher, thought it was “only right” to release me at this time.  She smiled encouragingly, and I smiled encouragingly back.  She said I was in a special room and needed some special treatments and food.  She told me to relax, and then she got busy with some instruments.  After a while she brought me a bowl of nutritious gruel. Since she was hungry, I was able to eat it all.  This made her very happy, so I was happy.

She asked me if I could talk. I answered yes.  She felt surprised and pleased.  I felt surprised and please. She asked me if I wanted to ask her something.  I had to answer no.  She seemed more puzzled, and so did I. She was starting to get distressed when she stopped herself. She said, “I forgot that you are empathizing with everything.  I will calm down.”   She showed me around my room and demonstrated how to operate some of the devices. Then she said she had to go back to work and that I should “make myself at home.”  She left the room, and I felt and did nothing.  

The second time I saw Dr. Crusher, she said it was “the next day.”  She asked me how I felt and what I had been doing and what I had had to eat.  As I kept answering nothing, she became more and more upset until I was crying.  She forced herself to calm down and I stopped crying.  She walked over to a device on the wall (she said it was a replicator) and ordered a bowl of nutritious gruel.  She brought it to me, but I did not eat it.  She asked me why I wasn’t eating, and I replied that I wasn’t hungry.  She asked “How could that be?” and started to get upset until she saw my lower lip begin to tremble and she calmed down right away.  She thought a while, and then she touched a small gold thing on her shoulder (she called it a com badge) and asked Ensign Kee to report to Room 12E Deck 8.  After a while, a young man entered.  He was puzzled and anxious, but polite and very hungry.  Dr. Crusher smiled at him, and he relaxed.  She offered him some lunch, and he ordered something called a hamburger from the replicator.  Before he finished it, I had eaten all my gruel.  Dr. Crusher was very happy again, and so was I.  [Rest of entry deleted.]

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41988.7.  Empath.  I had to erase most of the previous log again.  Dr. Crusher said to just “summarize” the last two months.  Summarizing is hard, but I will try. I spent a few days in my room, doing nothing unless Dr. Crusher came to talk, which she did frequently for short spells.  She sent a young ensign to my room to eat each meal with me, and with their big appetites, I began to gain some weight.  She sent a young man every day to my room to exercise with me, and I gained strength.  Unfortunately, she had to stop sending him after he felt certain feelings, then I felt them, and then….but Dr. Crusher said not to describe this incident in my log.

During her visits, Dr. Crusher explained many things to me.  I will list them:

I am an Empath, a species that little is known about.

I was found on the Planet M819 by Captain Kirk of the starship Enterprise. Something bad happened and Dr. McCoy put me in stasis.

Dr. Crusher read about me and believed I deserved freedom.

She asked for permission to bring me here and release me from stasis.

She is responsible for providing any training I need to adjust to “normal life.”

We are on another starship called the Enterprise.

Jean-Luc Picard is the Captain of this Enterprise.

Dr. Crusher has many complicated feelings about Captain Picard.  At times she feels a deep love for him, deeper than even she knows, and at times she  [Rest of entry deleted.]

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41989.0.  Empath.  Dr. Crusher was very angry this morning.  She yelled at me that I should not include things about her private feelings in my log.  I screamed, “How am I supposed to know?  This is getting too complicated!  I can’t anticipate everything in advance!”  She began to apologize until I started to cry, and then she forced herself to calm down.   She ordered me to put daily events in my logs and to describe my thoughts and reactions to them.  She also ordered me to do several hours of reading, and then she left.

I can do things if Dr. Crusher orders me to do them. Dr. Crusher assigns me to read history textbooks and scientific papers on psychology and anthropology.  She said there are readings called fiction and poems, but I am not ready for those yet.

Today I read three articles on the role of the amygdala in emotional regulation in humanoids.  I ate three meals.  I exercised forty minutes.  Computer, end log. 

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate 41989.2  Empath. Dr. Crusher is still disappointed with my log.  I am so disappointed!  She is going to sit with me while I do this one.  She says to remember that the logs are supposed to be an exercise for me in “introspection” and “getting in touch with myself.”  She says to tell what happened today and then to tell what I thought and felt about it.

I woke up.  I cleansed and dressed.  “What were you thinking?” Dr. Crusher is asking.  I was thinking that I am awake and I must get clean and dressed.  She is nodding wearily.  I am feeling so tired.  “Never mind,” she is saying, “what happened next?”  Ensign Kee arrived and we ate a huge breakfast.  It was delicious.  I enjoyed it.  How’s that?  “Are you sure those weren’t Ensign Kee’s reactions?” she is asking.  Yes, but they were mine, too.  “That’s right, they were!” she is getting excited.  So am I.  I had a reaction!

“OK, OK,” she says, “go on.”  I read a book on intergalactic anthropology.  “What did you think of it?”  It was interesting.  I learned a lot.  “Anything else?”  It sounded like Betazoid people are similar to me.  Yes, that is very curious!  I want to meet Betazoids!  That would be so exciting!!!  No, it wouldn’t.  It would just be disappointing.  “Stop,” Dr. Crusher is saying, “you are just picking up my feelings.”

Dr. Crusher left and ordered me to keep trying.  Computer, end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate  41989.4.  Empath.  I had a long conversation with Data today.  He has no computer chip for emotions, and he wants to experience them.  I do not understand how he knows what to do if he has no emotions.  How does he protect himself from dangerous things if he has no fear?  He does not understand why I cannot decide what to do by using logic or duty.  He keeps trying to explain logic to me, but I cannot see the reason why certain things follow others if there are no emotional links.  He keeps saying, it is necessary to be cleansed every morning;  it is morning;  therefore I must get clean.  I keep asking why it is necessary to be cleansed every morning and how does morning fit in.  He says my questions are irrelevant.  Duty I can sort of understand because it is like being given orders by an abstract person.  I will study duty.

Data asked me to describe a feeling for him.  I tried to describe one from memory, being hungry for breakfast with Ensign Kee this morning.  You have little bubbly, empty, achey feelings in your stomach, you are energized and tired at the same time, it is difficult to think about anything other than food.  Data thought it sounded unpleasant, but useful for ensuring adequate nutritional intake.  He asked me to describe anger, and I tried to remember when Dr. Crusher told me not to discuss her private feelings for the Captain.  Your heart suddenly beats fast, there are spurts of heat through your torso, there’s an urge to engage in strong or loud behavior, your face is hot and tight. Data said that sounded unpleasant, too, and that it would lead to illogical behavior. 

We talked a long time uneventfully. Computer end log.

Computer, begin daily log. Stardate 41991.7. Empath. Today I left my room and walked around a corridor of the ship. Dr. Crusher thought that I could handle it if I went with Data. Some other humans were walking in the corridor, but they walked by quickly so I only felt twinges of various feelings, such as worry, hunger, resentment, and occasionally neutrality. When I felt uncomfortable, I looked at or touched Data and immediately felt at peace. When we got back to my room, Dr. Crusher and I felt happy and excited, and Data and I felt nothing. Dr. Crusher set a plan for Data and me to take walks through the ship at certain intervals, with the walks gradually becoming longer and more varied. She said that after a while I could try short walks by myself. I felt great satisfaction with my accomplishment until Dr. Crusher left. Computer end log.

Computer, begin daily log.  Stardate  41995.0.  Empath.  Dr. Crusher, sniff, thought I was ready, sniff, hic, to try psychotherapy with Counselor Troi.  Unfortunately, she scheduled the appointment yesterday just before lunch.  I went to Counselor Troi’s quarters, and arrived on time since all the crew people I passed in the corridors were preoccupied with work.  She was happy and curious to see me and invited me to sit down, which I did with great happiness.  She explained that she was there to “be there” for me and that she would empathize with me so that I could “get in touch” with myself.  She settled into a Betazoid open awareness, and I immediately felt nothing.  She empathized with my feeling nothing, so I felt even more nothingness.  She felt more nothing and so on.  It became oceanic, with us merging and spreading out into an infinity.

Suddenly Counselor Troi allowed one of her own internal experiences to flit across her mind, and it was hunger and a brief craving for a bit of chocolate.  Naturally, I picked up on that and got hungry for chocolate.  She empathized with my chocolate urge, and I empathized with hers, and soon we were both barely able to keep from drooling.  Counselor Troi smiled and allowed that ordering some chocolate from the replicator wouldn’t hurt anything.  I said I had never eaten chocolate, so she said I must try a chocolate sundae first.  The replicator produced two large dishes with a mound of white stuff covered with black stuff and small other things.  

We ate the sundaes together, and what an experience it was!  Counselor Troi really enjoyed hers, and I experienced incredible tastes, textures, and joy.  The smoothness, the coldness, the melting in the mouth, the sweetness mixed with bitter, the energizing feeling that flooded through my entire being.  We were very happy.  She asked whether I knew about other types of chocolate, and when I said no, she ordered chocolate fudge brownies for us.  Wow, new textures, new tastes, but that same sweet-bitter energizing flavor.  By now our happiness was expanding even bigger than the nothingness.  She ordered Tyrellian cocoa puffballs, hot chocolate to drink, and chocolate mousse.

I was feeling extremely happy and fulfilled, but she suddenly felt a bit of discomfort in her stomach.  I immediately felt slightly nauseous.  She empathized with me, and also felt nauseous.  I began to feel very sick.  Counselor Troi was quick-witted and grabbed herself a bowl and shoved a flower pot at me, and while we were both retching into our receptacles, she hit her com badge and called medical emergency.

Dr. Crusher arrived out of breath and frightened.  Before I could get too afraid, her feelings changed to surprise and disbelief.  She looked at Counselor Troi, so I looked at her, too, and saw that she was covered with chocolate and vomit.  So was I. Then the strangest part of this day happened. Counselor Troi and Dr. Crusher began to laugh. Then we all laughed a great deal and felt very good together. Finally they choked back their laughter, and Counselor Troi began to feel regret and Dr. Crusher became overwhelmed with guilt and pity and discouragement, so I began to cry.  She rushed me sobbing along the corridors to my room, cleaned me up, and left quickly so I could calm down.  She said we might need to reconsider psychotherapy.  Computer, end log.

Stardate 61225.0. 

Dear Beverly: 

I enjoyed reading these old Enterprise computer logs that you recently sent me. It was nice to see how far I’ve come in the 14 years since you took me out of stasis and starting trying to make me into a self-contained individual. You gave up on the logs and on traditional psychotherapy, but you never gave up on me. You continued trying different things, remember, everything from acting lessons, thought control training, and exercise to various chemicals to reduce my neurosympathetic reactivity. And you eventually “succeeded,” since now I have a successful career in interplanetary counterintelligence.

When I look back on those three Enterprise years, I can see that others besides you and Deanna contributed to my development. It certainly helped to spend time with Data, and I followed him around until he almost felt an emotion towards me (exasperation, I think it was). Captain Picard, with his ability to control his behavior while experiencing strong emotions and passions, was an influential role model for me. Even Ensign Kee, with his single minded focus on food, was helpful, as was nearly everyone in the crew to some degree. The Enterprise was a good environment for me. But you are still my hero, Beverly, and I will always be grateful to you. 

Looking forward to seeing you next month at the Enterprise reunion. 

Fondly, 

Em