Wise Advice from Grandma

About what to look for in a long term partner. Obviously, there needs to be a degree of attraction, BUT -- hormones make us do amazing and sometimes foolish things. You may be surprised how the reduction in hormones changes our perception of people. So do not decide on partners based on physical attraction. There also needs to be many shared values. That’s a well documented finding.

Do not weigh sense of humor highly. My father was a VERY difficult man, and even as children, my sister and I often thought my mother should divorce him. When we’d ask her why she married him, she always said, “He made me laugh.” I have a close friend with a similarly difficult father, and when asked why she married him, her mother also said, “He made me laugh.” Look through the singles ads and you will see that almost all of them specify “a sense of humor.” Everyone wants that, but no one thinks about what KIND of humor. And everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, even when they do not. If you want to laugh, watch Jon Stewart. Or some other comedy show.

What should you look for in a long term partner? Kindness and generosity! Someone with a kind and generous heart is a good bet. The ability to problem solve is also valuable. Other rather obvious things to look for in a long term partner include emotional stability, intelligence, and ability to earn a living. But value kindness and generosity above all.

Ask yourself, “Does this person show kindness and compassion to others?” “Does this person make ME feel loved and cared for?” “Does this person make an effort to meet my needs?” Here’s another tip. Early in the relationship, ask the potential partner to do something for you, to meet a need, and then LOOK AT THE DATA! If the person avoids doing as you ask, do not make excuses, but pay attention and act accordingly.

People act differently when they are in love and when they are courting, and people change as time passes. So a lot of this is random luck, but kindness and generosity go a long way.

Postlife Facetime

Last night I planned our post-life face time video for the grandchildren. It goes something like this.

Hello, grandchildren. At this point in time, February 2012, you enjoy talking on the phone with papa and me through video, called face-time. I began thinking that it might be good to do a videotape for when I’m not around, and you can watch it and pretend you’re face-timing me. I plan to be around for a long time still, but I wanted to start it now while I still look fairly OK. Yes, I know, it is kind of funny that old people have vanity.

Anyway, the first thing I would want to tell you is how very very much I love you. Words are not enough to express how well you are loved. And besides, last time I said “I love you” on the phone, Maddie said, “I know.” And I know you love me, too, even when you are mad at me, but still I have to say I adore you.

Grandparents are supposed to hand on words of wisdom. I don’t feel very wise, but I like the writings of the Dalai Lama, the one we have now, in 2012. He says kindness and compassion are the keys to leading a good life. Be kind to each other and to your own selves too. Have compassion for others. You are sweet, happy, intelligent grandchildren, so I assume you will learn what compassion means.

Grandparents are supposed to give good advice. The only advice that I know for sure IS good advice, that will actually work and save you pain and trouble, is this: floss your teeth. We only get our one body, and we want it to last, so we have to take good care of it. Because of the nature of germs and bodily inflammation, which I trust you will eventually learn about, flossing your teeth greatly increases your probability of good health and long life. Really, it does.

You should also eat right, so you should read “Grandma’s Gruel.” You used to like it when you were very young.

Right now Maddie, you are four and well on your way to being a centered, self directed, self possessed young lady. Right now, Ryan you are not quite two, your favorite number, and the smilingest little guy I ever saw. I hope you will retain your sweetness and light as you grow up. Right now, Sam, you are an infant, a cute  little baby, and you had to face some real challenges when you were first born. The sturdiness you have shown so far should stand you in good stead as you grow. 

Here's to the Dalai Lama

Kindness compassion

Or consume the whole planet

Humans choose their fate

Haiku Process

Hello and goodbye

The last words of my father

Hid his broken heart

This recent obsession with haiku is related to two things now going on in my life:  (1) there are hours during the night when I cannot sleep and making up haiku fills the time, and (2) I am trying in my painting to define as little as possible and still convey what I mean (see my art blog, judytoddart.blogspot.com). In haiku, you are limited to 17 syllables with which to convey your thoughts and emotions, so every little bit has to count. 

The haiku above is based on the fact that my father actually said, “Hello. Goodbye.” and that was all, on the phone to me, the day he collapsed and became brain dead (he officially died a few days later). He had experienced many disappointments and defeats in his life and one big tragedy when his parents were killed. Yet, like most men in those days, he revealed very little of himself to anyone. He drowned his secrets in alcohol, or perhaps he self-medicated his sadness with alcohol. At any rate, I was trying to convey how he spoke to me, but didn’t really tell me anything, on the day he died, as always.

Did I convey this?

Here are other last lines I considered:

The rest is silence

The rest was silence

All ways unrevealed

His path unrevealed

His pain unrevealed

As usual, I am impressed with how one little word can change the feeling and meaning of the whole, just as one little shape can change an entire painting.

This Old House

This old house settles
Snap creak pops awaken me
To hear night birds sing

My Scrub Jays Moved On

Back yard bereft of
Bright blue cheekiness, mocking
Birds pretend for me.

More Haiku

Universe unfolds

In the heart of a flower.

The sole choice is love.

Hello, grandchildren.

We gift you to the future.

Goodbye, grandchildren.